01 June 2007

Singlehood

There you have it. I just graduated from medical school so naturally, my father told me that since I was no longer concentrating on studying, I could already find a mate (loosely translated). Irritated, I told him sarcastically that yes, that's the best reason to find a girl. My time is running out. Granted, he probably meant well by his statement, but I'm starting to wonder how many relationships out there have materialized from fear of ending up alone. Probably not a lot of them if they're young, then directly correlated with age.

There are so many reasons for a these pairings to form. First of all, she looks good. Guilty. Second, she finds me attractive. Guilty, and this one is particularly dangerous: it's like I'm satisfying some deep-seated narcissism. Third, we're both pretty old (at 25? You've got a good 5 years before your eggs start to deteriorate!). In my mind, correctly or incorrectly, they're all the wrong reasons.

One of my closest friends told me in a rare moment of my indulgent anguish that everyone has their time, which I really want to agree with. However, my mathematically-inclined mind has seen the patterns, and unless I break it somehow, things are not going to change for me. I told one of my friends as a joke that I wanted to practice in another country because I wanted to break the monotony of life here, even for a little while, although "my loneliness might be even more crushing there." And if I do decide to settle there, a fourth "wrong" reason for a relationship might materialize: you're both Filipinos in a foreign land.

The truth is, nothing is crushing me at all. I remember those dark days when it seemed like I wasn't deserving of any love-- THAT was truly crushing. I'm not a fool any longer. I don't thrive on false dependency, social acceptance, or sex. I know it may sound corny to the non-spiritual ones out there but somehow, I shut up, paid attention, and realized that God's love is enough. And I owe it to myself to search for something true. A true relationship with true love. Sounds like a dream, huh.

Meanwhile, when I want to design, I take a pen or sit in front of the PC. If I want to fly, I put on my ice skates. If I want to bake, I take my pans out. If I want music, I put my fingers on the piano. If I want to study, I take my books out. If I want a comic book, I buy one. If I want to write, I write. If I want to help someone, then I'll try as hard as I can to be the best physician out there. Doesn't sound crushing at all to me. Sure, in there, there's no holding hands, phone calls, or narration of my day (though I subject you to it, my dear reader), but it sounds like a normal life, and a normal life is nothing to be ashamed of.

5 comments:

wysgal said...

If you want music, you put your fingers on the piano. I have a random memory of you now doing a Tori Amos in the house of Cholo ...

Manggy said...

Yeah, I remember. I played "Silent All These Years." I'm now much better at it, hah hah :)

bern said...

this is a good read about being single. i took a moment when i read wrong reason 4. "only filipinos in a foreign land". hit close to home.;P

cathy said...

I got your point but I find it strange for someone not to have any interest at all in having a relationship. I also believe that the right person would come along and that you don't have to look...BUT you have to be awake when that right one comes...you might just miss her...

Manggy said...

Bern: Of course there are many wrong reasons, but if in your heart there is at least one right reason, then who am I to judge, eh? :D

Cathy: Rereading this (admittedly kind of old) essay I think I was wary to note that I haven't given up on it, nor was I letting good opportunities pass me by. The main point is that I was no longer obsessing about it.